ThreeA ~ Adventure Kartel : SXCLB Bouncer & Lil Shadow Set.

You're the one for me, fatty
You're the one I really, really love
And I will stay
Promise you'll say
If I'm in your way
- Morrissey, You're The One For Me, Fatty. 


A (mis) interpretation:

Name: Elaine von Sydow.
Alias: Big Shadow.
Affiliation : The Sydow Famiglia / The SXCLB.
Age: 400 years old.
Std. armaments: "The Dick of Navarone" - 15 inch power dildo.
Abilities: "Astarte's Fury" - ancient martial art; dhampir enhanced physiology; healing factor; extrasensory perception; emotion manipulation; mental manipulation; vision based powers; immortality; enhanced wisdom/knowledge; magic adept; expert hand to hand combatant.

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Unit type: Mass production sentry / security robot.
Model type: ANKOU EX series.

Manufacturer: The Thruxton Private Ltd Industries.
Affiliation: The SXCLB - BGCK Bouncer.
Height: 8 feet.
Weight: 1500 kg.
Powerplant: Quadturbo BRINK supercharged diesel engine.
Armour type: Plasteel ceramite composite alloy.
Armour thickness: 100mm.
Std. Armaments: "Da Ballz Kruncha" - energy power clamp x 2; T.E.A.T. hydrosulfuric molecular acid squirt gun x 2; "Da Cum Catcha" - energy converter/power booster x 1; multi spectrum scanner; sensorium; Artificial Intelligence system v.9.
Abilities: Expert hand to hand combat; cybernetic enhanced physiology; invulnerability against magic/physical attack.

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'You need not go with me, JC,' Tommy said. 'You sure?' JC tries to re-confirm. He is sure Tommy is unsure, but the latter is adamant that JC stays put. 'Of course. Dun wanna youse to summon the whole "Sodom and Gomorrah" thingy, you know wat I'm sayin?' Tommy joked but JC is not amused. Coz Tommy is going to District 8, "Ishtar", the red light district and pleasure centre of New Andria. Not for the decadent stuffs they offer there but for an appointment with the one person who runs the entire place. The eldest daugther of the Baron. Most don't come back from meeting her. Those who do, would be sent back either in pieces or pack off to the Newel Medics Corp as spare parts for bio-engineering or re-syk. Some survive, but forever indebted to her, coming under her servitude according to her whims and fancies.
Due to a ruse set up by Big Shadow, Tommy had inadvertently lost the Hand of Fate and straight into her possession. And blackmailed into getting the Pandora Box in return for it. Tonight is where the meeting and completion of the transaction is going to take place. Even Lil Shadow and her fiery tempered sister, Cherry, is worried for Tommy. Cherry and Big Shadow are twins, although Lil Shadow shares a very close physical resemblance. 'Elaine is...uh, nasty. Be very careful when you talk to her. Her instinct...well, she can easily tell if a person were telling lies or the truth. Through heartbeat and dilation of the pupil', Lil Shadow advises Tommy. Lil Shadow and Cherry want to accompany Tommy but they got their hands full tonight. The Lady in Black is back to claim more of the kids souls. Cherry and Lil Shadow must neutralise that 19th Century spectre once and for all.
Tommy arrives at Platform 9¾  and smacks straight into a world of decadency and unbridled debauchery. Men, women, bots, borgs, other worldly creatures, both workers and customers, throng the entire district like night markets in District 12. The only difference are the stuffs they are offering. Their services are carried out openly. Every crooks and corners, except for certain zones, like a no intercourse zone with signs such as "No Farking. Balls Clamping Zone. Release Fee $100.00" and signs like "This is a metered brothel. Haggling prohibited. Please insist for a receipt", and so forth. There are specially designated zones for senior citizens and disables. Very considerate of the Baron but he makes it absolutely clear that no underage kids nor beastialism are involved nor allowed into the district. Those caught doing so gets sentenced to have their soul "ghost dubbed" into cockroaches. New Andria ANKOU police do patrols the entire district but largely keeps to themselves. Ever vigilant, they would not hesitate for a micro second to clamp down on some rabble-rousers or someone or something cross the "line". Euro-trash muzak, countless neons signs and holographic adverts assault Tommy senselessly. Numerous peddlers offer synthesized drugs with exotic names like "Twilights' Touch" or "New Moon's Heat". There're gambling dens like the famous "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". There's "Hairy Potheads" which is famous for their space cakes and candies, "Dildo Baggins" for their sex toys and accessories. And that song, "Shower Me With Your Love" is playing as Tommy inadvertently glances at a man performing a "golden shower" on another guy in a revolving pit. As long as they tow along the lines laid down by the Baron and unwritten laws of the district, every form of vices for every one are available as long as there's cash. The Baron believes that District 8 would allow the New Andria population to let off the stress and pressures of daily lives, away from the endless worries of the Zomb hordes and rogue bots bad news. And after all, doesn't Maslow identified sex as one of the basic needs of humankind? For Tommy, it is debatable. But he is not here to debate. He is here to meet the self style Queen of District 8. And he really, really hates her...and the crowds and the place.
Moving through the crowds of people and non-people there, Tommy zips up his track suit and pulls up his hood. His attire stands out like a sore thumb. Tommy heads toward the centre of the district. The crowds are getting more gaudy with mostly S/M type attires - exposed anatomy where the sun doesn't shine, gimp-like setup, chains, whips and whatnot. And there it is. The SXCLB. It is only midnight and the line has formed around the block. Aristocrats, bureaucrats, dignitaries, public officials, businessmen and women, pop stars, actors and actresses. Only the VVIPs get in. And only by invitation. No amount of money can get you in. But once a member, the person would be on the list for life. Its like a powerful drug and the experience the club offered, once tasted, is incredibly addictive. The SXCLB will not let its member goes off easily until it has taken everything - money, life, and soul. In the end, when nothing left, all, not most, members would barter off their body parts or trade their souls for that one, final thrill before kingdom come. Tommy knows the secret of Big Shadow's success with the SXCLB only too well. It involves techniques both arcane and science.
Tommy skips the line and walks straight to the main entrance. 'Hey, get back to your hipster shite zone will ya?' someone shouts. Tommy gives them the middle finger, and chants a Flatulantus Nonstoppus at them. A small ruckus occurs, as the group of people there started to fart none stop. 'Stop being rude. That's loud. Keep it quiet. Whacha been eating, dead rat?!!' Tommy hears some of the shouting going on. There's a group of ANKOU EX bouncers dress in uniforms akin to one should see in music videos of say, Dead Shop Boys. 'Oi. You. Wrong attire. Skip the line. No invitation. Three strikes, so f*** off, please. Next,' one of the bouncers said in deep baritone voice akin to Vader. 'Listen. I got an appointment with your lady boss, midnight tonight. Please check,' Tommy informs the bouncer. 'I'm listening, you twat. You're breaking my diesel block engine, sweetheart. You're not the first louse who used such excuse. Here's an advise to the unwise. Go to Lou's five blocks down the East side. Maybe you could get a head job there for a fiver, 'kay? But not here. So, pretty please again, with plenty of sugah on top, F*** OFF!!!' the bouncer's voice booms and his back exhaust bellow out plumes of smokes. 'Oi. You heard the fatso. Don't hold up the line, boyo,' a fat man in gimp suit said from behind. 'Yeah, and your cheap deodorant is killin' our lungs! What is it? Smells Like A Teen Spirit?,' his skinny partner in red vinyl devil dress up adds. 'Oh, snap! That's a good one, hon,' and they gives each other a high five and a slap on their expose butts. Tommy is not angry. No, he's cool. Coz, these shites all over here don't know that it is him, his AKs and others in District 12, busting their own arses, risking their lives nearly everyday of the hour to keep them safe, warm and spend all their soon to be spent money on joints like this. They owe their lives to the likes of him and they don't even know it. And his vintage jeans and sneakers probably cost more than their J.Galiarno vinyls setup.
Tommy is about to do something brash. Something. But don't know what or how. Afterall, the big hunk of metal infront of him can easily tear him apart or squirt a quartz of the molecular acid from its' tit guns. Or generate up to 50,000 watts of electricity through their clamps to reduce flesh, bones and even metal into barbeque. Heck, it'll probably just sit on him and squash Tommy right there and then. Then a radio crackle is heard from the head of the bouncer. 'Yes, ma'am. Crystal. Won't happen again, Ma'am. Yes. Affirmative. Promise on my mono eye, Ma'am. Thank you for your understanding, Ma'am,' The bouncer suddenly stands nearer to Tommy. 'YOU! Fingerprint, retina and DNA identification. NOW!' he booms. Tommy allows him what he wants. 'Thomas Mission. Age twenty one as of 1993. Residence, District 12. Occupation, Bounty Hunter. Adventure Kart...HOLLIEST OF THE HOLLIES! Are you THE Tommy Mission of AK?!' the bouncer speaks in surprise. 'Last I heard...,' Tommy replied in equal surprise in the sudden change of attitude of the nasty fatty. 'Duncha remember me? Phat D, holmes! I used to ride with the AK with ya together wit mah big bro, Da Drown, remember?' the bouncer said excitingly, and Tommy notices his Vader voice now changed to a friendlier Manilow-like softness expression instead. 'Uh, Fat D? Oh, you mean...man! Dude, Fat Drown. Oh, shite, of course I couldn't regcon ya. What's with the clown suit and new color, Fat?' Tommy now remembers. Fat Drown and The Drown, two ANKOU brothers once members of the AK until the acrimonious split between the latter and Tommy over The Drown insistence to be the de facto leader of the AK and insistence of wearing AK tracky at all times. 'Company regulation, Tom. No choice. Would love to come back to the AK but got bills to pay, ya know. Mo Prostate on my tail ever since the Delphi Rave Party Incident. Here the lady got me protected from and pay Mo,' Fat explains. 'Oi, Stay Puff. Why dun ya and yer lady friend get yer conversation somewhere else. Not gettin any younger 'ere,' the two men behind them chided. 'SHUT DA F*** UP OR I"LL BOUNCE YER BOTH OFF LIKE RUBBERBALLS FOR ATTEMPTED LEATHER!' Fat booms in his big Vader voice once more. 'Listen, Tom. We'll catch up some other time, aight? Go to the backdoor. There shall be someone waiting and bring ya up to see the lady boss. And Tom? Try to ignore what you may see there, aight? Take care, brother,' Fat advises. 'AIGHT, YOU TWO. WELCOME TO THE SXCLB,' Fat reverts back to his bouncer mode.
Tommy walks toward the back alley. A tingling, chilling sensation suddenly comes to him. Ghosts of the departed stands around, looking at their by now in parts physical bodies. A woman is waiting there. 'Hi. I am Lolli. Please follow me,' she said, Tommy is surprised beyond surprise. A Tomorrow Queen?! Here?! All TKs and TQs are off limits to Terra. The Luthor Bean Corporation's Eastasian clone warriors, slayers of giant robots, legends of the wargames in the Leviathan 1. In flesh, for the first time. He has followed all their games thus far. And betting on them. But losing. And their figurines, t-shirts and merchandises sell like hot cakes. Too bad tickets and pay per view cost a bomb and all he could do to was to hack into the universal matrix, Melchizedek for a (hardly) illegal watch online. A personification of both beauty and the beast. The backroom is more like a morgue. Dead customers, ODed on a mix of  extreme, unprecedented sexual concoction of both pleasures and drugs, are being carefully dissected by the morticians. The chief mortician, Les Mort, nodded at Tommy, whom acknowledges his presence in return. Big Shadow runs a primary black market organ harvesting operations in New Andria, and exporting it out to customers from other nations up to the space colonies as well as the Newel Medics. But only spare parts from fresh, dead customers. No intentional harvest. 

Escort by the TQ towards the lady boss private elevator, Tommy walks across the stylish, elaborate decors, corridors and passages filled with debauched images and acts of pleasure and pain. Snogglers hover and bounce everywhere. Some peek underneath Lolli's short dress. One try to sniff at Tommy's crotch of which he instinctively kicks off immediately. 'Please, sir. No abuse of SXCLB properties. Thank you,' Lolli reminds Tommy. Customers everywhere. Moaning, screaming. Not sure in pain or pleasure. Tommy glances at Miss and Mrs, doing their thing on an aristocrat. There's Pascha and her nympho pals engaging in an act which comes out of a porno with a bunch of men and women. Something about celebrating Pascha's successful application to go film a sequel to her space adventure porno. And Lady Burlesque is performing tonight, mesmerising the gawking gentlemen and women alike. But that's none of his concern. The Queen of Pleasure and Pain is.

And he is now in her presence. L.Phair's "F*** and Run" is playing in the background. Two ANKOU Shadow Security is dragging a man of well built physical appearance with blond hair out. Tommy overhears Big Shadow talking to a man on the vid screen. 'You said five times, Francois. I didn't get any. Thank your lucky star, if you have had any, Francois, that I am in a generous mood. Fabio's body parts shall be my compensation for your incompetence and attempt to make a fool out of me. And don't make me send Johan down to see you. That's that,' and she cuts off the vid com. 'Madam. Thomas Mission is here,' Lolli announces. 'Ahh, Tommy, it's been a while. Take a seat. Any drinks? Or perhaps a cigar? Bleak loves the Cuban Sector cigar here, you know? How's he doing? Still roaming around the system for adventure I reckoned? Or seeking out your grandpa, Merde, for all the shit stirring he had been doin?' Big Shadow speaks as Tommy nervously take a seat in front of her. 'Sorry for the mess. I have my needs too you know. And Lolli. A creation of art isn't she? Too bad Luthor Jr. makes them not to last. And he is such a sweet child, always gives me a TQ as a gift for every Christmas. I guess that's for what we, the Cognate, had done for him. A Cognate leader he's now I heard. Too bad about the bad blood between them and the Queen Mortis,' she said. Poor Fabio, whom was once a famous male model plastered on all leading fashion magazines and romance novels, being reduced to being a gigolo, and a victim of the infamous "Dick of Navarone". The specially customised sex toy can shoot out ammunition containing mono-molecular filament 2.0 micron thick with tensile strength of 2.4 tons. This wire is one long cylindrical molecule, held together by the powerful covalent bonds between atoms. Once "ejaculated", it will uncoil within the target, literally liquifying the innards of the victim. 'No thank you, ma'am. I am here for our appointment and if you don't mind, I am in a hurry,' Tommy said as he hands out the Pandora's Box and places it on the table for her. 'Excellent, a great gift for the Baron. His birthday's coming. Though its actual contents no longer inside, thanks to Merde but still it is a jar of such exquisite beauty and rich of history despite the madness and horrors it released. They say it is a big box. Fools,' said Big Shadow touches and admires the ancient artefact. 'Uh, so may I have back the Hand?' Tommy requests. 'Of course, my dear child,' Big Shadow replies as she takes out the Hand and gives it to Tommy.

'Uhm. This is not the Hand of Fate. It's a Hand of Glory,' Tommy looks perplexed. 'What's the difference? Take it or leave it, Tommy,' says Big Shadow nonchalantly said as she lights up a cigar. 'Ms. Sydow, you can't simply brow beat me into accepting this. I have honored my part, now, please, return the Hand back to me. You know the rules and how it works,' Tommy pleaded while trying to keep his temper and composure intact. Big Shadow slams the table, which nearly split into two. 'Are you accusing me of conning you?! Putting you under undue duress?! Like what others said about dealing with me?! What do they call me nowadays?! The She-Devil? Lilith?! The Succubus Slut?!' Big Shadow raises her voice, as her iris glows like two red hot needle which seems to be burning through Tommy's skull. Lolli moves silently like a wraith behind Tommy, her monomolecular lined katana ready to be drawn and detach Tommy's head from his body. Johan pumps both his fist and grins. 'Kill me then. I'm fed up with this sort of life anyway. Night in, day out, stopping all sort of shites attacking the city, being manipulated, and used by the likes of you and your father...Death will perhaps set me free from all these bullshits. Wakes up, feels like shit, fighting for people who doesn't appreciate what we do for them. And you, ya turbo slut, the Furies will come a knocking on your door by then,' Tommy snaps back. Seconds later, he realises who he is talking to and a tinge of regret sets in. "Great. Now I'm really going to die," Tommy thought to himself.

'A child of principle and uncompromising fighting spirit, eh? So unlike the f***ed up Bleak and Merde. No wonder, my two sisters are infatuated with you. Just like how I used to love your grandfather. But even that piece of shit stirrer cannot escape his karma. You know, word around the campfire are that your grandpa Merde is currently banished into the Maelstrom by your father while Bleak is seeking sanctuary at the Isle of Avalone from the Kindly Ones for his act of patricide. But their karma are catching up with them. No one can escape their own acts and not face the consequences. Not even the gods and goddesses themselves. Not even me. The Nine Sisters can't help them. And yes, the Furies are formidable but overrated. I had fought them before. Nothing more than a bunch of old farts Valkyries. Except...for those who command the Hand of Fate,' Big Shadow gives out a sigh and forwards Tommy the actual Hand of Fate, which glows brightly that Big Shadow could barely looks at it. 'Now go, before I change my mind. And it changes fast,' Big Shadow dismisses Tommy. 'Uhm, the Hand of Glory, I can get you a good price if you want,' Tommy's business side kicks in. 'Just f*** off, you little turd, the Hand is giving me a headache. How can one control or change fate? What is the difference between destiny of one's path and fate? Just go. Didn't my sisters advise you about dealing with me? Once you're in, there's no way out,' Big Shadow forces a smile. Lolli ushers Tommy back to the alley, and politely said goodbye. Tommy runs fast to catch the last train back to District 12. He feels filthy. He needs a shower, a cold shower. The SXCLB air circulatory system is so saturated with air borne sex pheromone, and the incantations of Ishtar, that only through his own silent, mental chant of a passage from the Dharmmapada prevents him from falling into the honey trap.

Back at the record shop, Tommy quietly hide the Hand of Fate back to its place. No sight of JC. Must be asleep or meditating. Or practising a new form of martial arts based on the Panzer Kunst, famously applied by the N.O.M. insurgents and the TKs, TQs. Lately the Nefarious Ten Fingers Gang zombots have been assaulting District 12 with tenacious intensity. Lil Shadow and Cherry arrive. 'So, it all went well, huh?', Cherry said. 'I'm still here right?', Tommy said as he enjoys a bowl of ramen with sticks of satays. 'Care to have some?', Tommy offers. 'Yuck. We'll pass. Don't know what they put into those stuffs nowadays after the Soylent' Green scandal,' Cherry said. 'I'm tired. Retiring the spectre was a handful. Need a shower,' Cherry said as she stripped off her clothes. 'CHERRY!?' Lil Shadow screams. 'Wot?' as she is cladded in nothing but just her undies. Tommy nearly chokes on his meal as his eyes lock onto Cherry's voluptuous physique.

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The set arrives, finally, and one month shy of a year from the order date. My first and perhaps only ANKOU EX, big fella, and the new body (like Lolli) and bob hairstyle Lil Shadow. With the strap on dildo of course, another precedent for a 1/6th figure. ThreeA, respect. And of course, I still prefer the old original Lil Shadow style, so I re-imagine this mk2 Lil Shadow as Big Shadow, or at least until ThreeA release a version of it.